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Perpetual Hilarity Thread

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by cowofwar, Jun 22, 2002.

  1. Haite

    Haite Forum Moderator

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    Read the post above mine :rolleyes:.
     
  2. MisterHalleck

    MisterHalleck Peasant

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    hee hee! people should choose thir own numbers once in a while, it wont hurt their chances of winning (one ticket=one ticket, regardless of the #'s) and they would get more money if they win.

    I like to think of the progressive income tax system as a levy upon those smart enough to get rich by themselves. I like to think of state lotteries as a levy upon those stupid enough to think they will get rich by picking numbers each week.
     
  3. Mentosman24

    Mentosman24 Peasant

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    DOH :bonk: me dumb
     
  4. SuperStar

    SuperStar Peasant

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    Come on this time I know im gonna win.....
    13....
    53....
    64....
    99....
    There you have it folks-


    GOD I lost again! :banghead:
     
  5. MisterHalleck

    MisterHalleck Peasant

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    you just paid the government for the privelige of being stupid :bonk:
     
  6. Strader

    Strader Peasant

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    I liek monkeys

    Kinda old but...



    I like monkeys.

    The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand each. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.

    I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing.

    I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.

    Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped dead. Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn cheap monkeys.

    I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs.

    I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.

    I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad.

    I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want to call the plumber. I was embarrassed.

    I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately, there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't all go bad.

    I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire.

    Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor wasn't improving.

    I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the bathroom. I severely beat one of my dead monkeys. I felt better.

    I tried throwing them way but the garbage man said that the city wasn't allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.

    I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they like them but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.

    I like monkeys.
     
  7. MisterHalleck

    MisterHalleck Peasant

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    :rofl:
    haha that is so disgustingly funny
     
  8. MisterHalleck

    MisterHalleck Peasant

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    WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

    JERRY FALWELL:
    Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's why "they" call it: the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side."
    That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and
    simple as that.

    PAT BUCHANAN:
    To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

    DR. SEUSS:
    Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes,
    the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!

    ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
    To die. In the rain.

    MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.:
    I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross the road
    without having their motives called into question.

    GRANDPA:
    In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

    ARISTOTLE:
    It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

    KARL MARX:
    It was a historical inevitability.

    RONALD REAGAN:
    What chicken?

    CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK:
    To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

    FOX MULDER:
    You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

    FREUD:
    The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

    BILL GATES:
    I have just released eChicken 98, which will not only cross the road but also will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

    EINSTEIN:
    Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

    LOUIS FARRAKHAN:
    The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken
    crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

    THE BIBLE:
    And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

    COLONEL SANDERS:
    I missed one?
     
  9. MisterHalleck

    MisterHalleck Peasant

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    i maek teh funyn!
     
  10. Strader

    Strader Peasant

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  11. MisterHalleck

    MisterHalleck Peasant

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    This is a very poorly designed church window


    link
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 25, 2002
  12. Strader

    Strader Peasant

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    "Your login session has expired."
     
  13. angus_prune

    angus_prune Peasant and Donator

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    It is perhaps fortunate for you that the link does not work.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 25, 2002
  14. MisterHalleck

    MisterHalleck Peasant

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    okay maybe this will fix it...

    evilpriest

    //edit- yep, it worked.

    thats gotta be oen evul pirest!
     
    Last edited: Sep 26, 2002
  15. Mentosman24

    Mentosman24 Peasant

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    OH...DEAR...LORD :wtf: :rofl: :eek:
     
  16. Jakeman

    Jakeman MSC Founder and Donator

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    lol dude, i didn't even notice the boy the first time looking at it
     
  17. MisterHalleck

    MisterHalleck Peasant

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    i maek teh funyn agine!
     
  18. Beeble

    Beeble Peasant

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    o my goshness....
     
  19. MisterHalleck

    MisterHalleck Peasant

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    ...to shock ant tittilate! That IS my GAME!
     
  20. Strader

    Strader Peasant

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    I don't know about you but I found myself laughing my head off at this one:



    Most people have heard the saying "Does a bear sh*t in the woods". It's a saying that is used to give a strong positive response.

    An example would be, if you asked someone, "Do you want a thousand dollars?". At this time it's appropriate to respond with, "Does a bear sh*t in the woods?". This is assumed to be an obvious yes, because people think that all bears defecate in the woods.

    However, what most people don't understand, is that if you analyze the saying, you'll soon realize that not only is it an improper response (i.e. answering a question with a question.), but it also is a very unsure response at best.

    There are two obvious problems with the saying, and one rather hidden problem. I'll address each one individually.

    First, the saying assumes that all bears relieve themselves in the woods. If you've ever been to the zoo, you will realize that these bears are far from any area that could be classified as woods. Also, polar bears live in the artic north, where the climate is too cold for large plants to grow. The best they'll ever see are small shrubs, and tundra grasses. These can hardly be classified as woods. (Don't even get me started on polar bears in zoos.)

    The second problem has to deal with the term 'woods'. Woods are larger than a grove, but smaller than a forest. Forests cover the top of the USA, and much of Canada where bears live. Woods, however, can be found in many places all over the US, where bears do not live. It would be extremely impractical for a bear to 'hold it' until it can walk from the forests of the north, to a smaller wood in the south, before defecating. Thus, nearly every bear does not actually relieve themselves in the woods.

    The third problem, which is a bit stretching, but a problem none-the-less, involves the term 'bear'. Because the term 'bear' implies that the bear is living, you can pretty much skip this point. However, the corpse of a bear, is still a bear. Also, certain species of bears, like the California Grizzly, are extinct, making it very difficult, no matter how hard they try, for bears of those types to "sh*t in the woods".

    With all that said, you can see why the saying is quite flawed. So the next time you hear someone say "Does a bear sh*t in the woods?" in response to a question of yours, you may wonder if they really mean 'yes'. In fact, the saying is so much the opposite of what it's supposed to imply, you may even think they mean 'no'!

    So how can we rectify this defected statement? It's really quite simple. Instead of the imprecise saying "Does a bear sh*t in the woods", say "Does a living grizzly or black bear, who's not in captivity, sh*t in the forest?". That should pretty much clear up any inconsistencies that you may face.

    Thank you for your time. (Which you will never get back, no matter how hard you try!)



    Source: http://www.thealmightyguru.com
     

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