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Some Trek Humor

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by Haite, Jun 7, 2001.

  1. Haite

    Haite Forum Moderator

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    I read a lot of Trek humor, and I thought that this just had to be shared:


    Lost Star Trek Episode...
    (Or, how Windows took over the universe).

    Picard: "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data,
    have you been able to access their command pathways?"
    Geordi: "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century
    computing technology." Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.
    Riker looks puzzled: "What the hell is a 'Microsoft'?"
    Data turns to answer: "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the
    Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an
    unstoppable rate."
    Picard: "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage
    capacity?"
    Data: "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of
    resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all
    of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."
    Picard: "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea." .... 15 Minutes Later ...
    Data: "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command unit and as
    expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected
    'upgrade'."
    Geordi: "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to
    compensate, but we still have no indication of an'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."
    Picard: "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something we missed."
    Data: "Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'. Appearently the Borg have circumvented that part
    of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.
    Riker: "Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F ..."
    Geordi, excited: "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0%!"
    Picard: "Data, what do your scanners show?"
    Data: "Appearently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the
    CPU capacity."
    Picard: "Lets wait and see how long this 'Solitaire' can reduce their functionality."
    .... Two Hours Pass ...
    Riker: "Geordi what's the status on the Borg?"
    Geordi: "As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but
    each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deepspace monitor beacon to transmit more
    'Windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft Fun-Pack'.
    Picard: "How much time will that buy us?"
    Data: "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predict an interest time span of 6 more hours."
    Geordi: "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."
    Picard: "Identify."
    Data: "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo!"
    Over the speakers: "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY.WE HAVE
    POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS
    AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS TO COMPLY."
    Data: "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."
    Picard: "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft!"
    Riker: "Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits! How
    can they survive deep space?!"
    Data: "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying
    something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits!"
    Riker and Picard together horrified: "Lawyers!!"
    Geordi: "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great
    Awakening."
    Data: "True, but apparently some must have survived."
    Riker: "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with pieces of paper."
    Data: "I believe that is known in ancient venacular as 'red tape' -- it often proves fatal."
    Riker: "They're tearing the Borg to pieces!"
    Picard: "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the Borg deserve that."
    --- 2 hours later in the breifing room ---
    Picard: "Where did we go wrong to cause such a hideous catastophe?"
    Data:: "Sir, our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology indicate there was once a challenger to
    'Windows' on earth code named 'Borg'. Later known as 'OS/2 for Windows'.
    Riker: "God, you mean this Admiral Gates thought the Borg were his ancient competitors?"
    Picard: "It would appear so." But whatever happened to this 'OS/2'?"
    Geordi: "I believe I can help here Captain. 'OS/2' had many of the features of our 25th century computers but this
    Admiral Gates successfully gained unusual power from the Government through something called a consent decree.
    With it, and a brainwashing technique called "Marketing", he destroyed OS/2 and another competitor called
    "Macintosh".
    Picard: "He did this without weapons?"
    Data: "Not quite Captain, he had an early pre-cursor to our phasors,something called
    "Vaporware". And there is no known defense against this weapon."
    Riker: "Captain, if you'll excuse me I'm feeling ill."
    Picard: "Yes, Will, I think we're all feeling ill. But this incident must serve to warn us and the entire Federation how
    dangerous it is to awaken this Admiral Gates and his monster 'Windows'. Geordi, prepare an emergency report to
    Starfleet command. Briefing adjourned."

    --Haite
     
  2. Vokbain

    Vokbain Peasant and Donator

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    You're at 666 posts...
     
  3. Haite

    Haite Forum Moderator

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    Unfortunately to reply to that comment I have to go beyond 666, sigh, it fight my profile so well :).

    --Haite
     
  4. cowofwar

    cowofwar Peasant

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    heeheeheee

    funny
     
  5. Jakeman

    Jakeman MSC Founder and Donator

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    macs are destroyed? :(
     

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